However, this is path we have chosen.  If you want an acting job, you are going to have to audition at some point.  I’ve seen a lot of these in my day, and I feel like I can give some pretty good advice to the casual to professional actor.  Here are my tips:

1. Arm yourself with information.
Perhaps this is your first audition.  That’s ok.  There is this incredible thing called the internet.  And it can literally teach you anything.  You want to fix the plumbing in your kitchen?  Google that mess.  You want to find the lowest price for plane tickets?  It’s a veritable smorgasbord.  You need to learn how to fold a fitted sheet?  Type that up in some search box and saddle up your ponies.  Honestly, there’s no excuse for being unprepared for an audition.  Mostly because, as the audition assessor, I send you multiple copies of an audition packet that has more information than you could possibly imagine in it.  It basically auditions for you.  So read it.  (And, as a side note, if someone you are trying to get a job with sends you an email that contains an attachment, and you find yourself unable to open it, the thing to do is to email them back with a quick “hey, I couldn’t open that attachment, is there another way I can get this information?”  Not showing up for your interview/audition and giving the excuse of “I couldn’t open that attachment!”  Just a thought.)

2. Use your brain when choosing monologues.
If you are a professionally trained Shakespearean actor that has an incredible mastery over the langauge & iambic pentameter, then by all means, Ophelia your little heart out.  Otherwise, stay away from the big dogs (Chekov, Shakespeare, Aeschylus).  There’s a reason these playwrights are famous: they write incredible plays that professionals do.  Keep it in the stratosphere.

3. Be prepared.
Here’s a tip for those that aren’t theater majors or don’t audition: it’s typically a good idea to have some monologues all up in your repertoire, just in case.  You never know when you need to bust out the skills.  Commit a couple of monologues to memory, then, when an audition is sprung upon you, you have material right there in your mind grapes, no need to stress.  If you are a theater major, then you know better and either shame on you or shame on your professors.

4.  If you aren’t prepared, you better be freaking good.
If you are going to choose to NOT be prepared, you better give it your all when you are reading those monologues off the page.  You better be freaking Sir Ian McKellan.  Although Sir Ian McKellan would never come to an audition unprepared, so, you know, maybe take notes.  You better be acting the crap out of that monologue.  Holding a piece of paper in front of your face while you read in a monotone voice is not acting.  Although I’m sure it passes in some establishments.

5. Topics to stay away from in your monologues:
a. Abortion
b. The first time you had sex and how bad you feel about it.
c. Anything that involves a great deal of yelling.
d. Anything that involves a great deal of whispering.
e. Anything from a movie.  You are auditioning for live theater.  Not film.
f. Anything you wrote yourself, unless you are Wm. Shakespeare or have graduated from an accredited playwriting program.

6. Plant your feet.
That is all.

7.  Volunteer.
Don’t wait for 40 minutes of terrible, awkward silence as NO ONE volunteers to go first.  You’re prepared!  You’ve got style and pizazz.  Get up there.  Strut your stuff.  Peacock, baby!

8. Act.
Seems simple, right?  It’s what you’re here for.  You would be amazed at the surprising number of auditionees that do the opposite, in that they recite words as themselves with a crazy emphasis or two.  Think about your monologue.  What are you trying to convey?  Should you be smiling nervously in a death scene?  No.  Unless it is incredibly ironic.

9.  Be easy.
Not that way.  What I’m saying is: assessors are tired.  They spend all day traveling to the audition site, eating crap food, watching terrible auditions from people who, for all intents and purposes, obviously do not give a crap.  Know what you’re doing.  Bring the needed material to the audition.  Be able to stay as long as needed.  Be flexible.  It’s not rocket science, to be sure.

10.Be polite.
Also sort of a given, right?  Not usually.  Look people in the eyes.  Make conversation with other auditionees.  Introduce yourself with a handshake and smile.  Be professional.  Be courteous.  This isn’t the Stone Age, and it’s also not a manners party.  But that doesn’t mean you can’t lay down your awkwardness for 20 minutes and act like a professional.  You’re an actor.

11.  And last but not least, be good.
No amount of being nice or being prepared will save a flat dab bad audition.  This is just the truth: some people are cut out to be high level college math professors, some people are cut out to be actors.  Some people can be both and I resent them for it.

So these are my tips.  I’ll go ahead and put it out there that when I auditioned, I typically broke the majority of these, causing wonder and disbelief that I ever got an acting job.  So, there’s that.  But, as an assessor I’m much more inclined to hire someone who is pretty good (and was prepared, polite, etc.) than someone who obviously has a lot of raw talent and acted like they could have cared less.