Archive for the ‘ Uncategorized ’ Category

Crunk Fitness

So, before my Pilates class yesterday (I say Pilates, it’s not actually Pilates. The class is called BodyFlow, but that name totally grosses me out, so I just say Pilates.) there was another class in the studio. It was seriously about 45 girls dancing a choreographed dance like madwomen. It was awesome. The class is called Crunk Fitness (which is way better than BodyFlow) and these girls looked like they were having the time of their lives. Turns out, Jam, the lady who teaches the class is sort of famous, and Crunk Fitness is her creation. And she has a pretty kickin’ body, so I guess it works. I am thinking about doing it. I don’t know if I have the guts to go to the class, but it just looked like so much fun. I don’t really dance very much (or ever), and I am pretty sure I would make a fool of myself. But I took heart in this video that I found that highlights some of Jam’s moves. If you want a pretty accurate idea of what I would look like doing this workout, watch the girl in the back on the left in the blue tank top.

West Texas Sunset

My friend Blair does something awesome in Charlotte, NC. I couldn’t tell you what, but he makes some sweet media stuff. This is a time lapse he shot of a West Texas sunset, which, in case you didn’t know, is the best sunset in the world. Even Spielberg agrees, as he filmed the final scene of the Last Crusade in West Texas for the sunset. They are killer. Anyway, this is what I watch when I miss them.


West Texas Sunset from Blair on Vimeo.

The Rules of Two-Wheel Motor Vehicling

It’s been almost a week now since I’ve been riding Frances in the outside world. So far, all is well. I’ve noticed A LOT of other motorcycles on the road where I drive to and from work, so that is comforting. That means that our ratio goes up and hopefully, more people pay attention to what’s going on, instead of the opposite.

I wasn’t aware before Frances, but there are some practices and procedures in the world of two-wheel motor vehicles. Here is a little of what I have learned:

1. The Low Wave. When you pass another two-wheel motor vehicle, you are supposed to lower your hand off your steering and give them a sort of fake low five. Now so far, I haven’t encountered any other scooters, but most of the motorcycles do this as well.
a. Addendum: However, SOME motorcyclists (as I have found) do not consider scooters to be a part of the hard core two-wheel motor vehicle club (as it were). If you are sensitive (which I may or may not be), it’s best to wait for the motorcyclist to initiate the Low Wave. That way, if they wave, you can wave as well, promoting goodwill between the clans. And if they don’t, well, you can just look like you didn’t want to wave at them anyway.
b. There are also other versions of the Low Wave that I have seen. The Head Nod, which is common among those who you encounter close range, such as a parking lot. The Hand Raise, which is what we do in the Panhandle, driving along with your hands on the steering and as you pass another person, just a slight hand raise off the wheel.

2. Backpacks are for suckers. This I am learning the hard way. I thought my backpack would be totally rockin’ with Frances. However, it is the worst, especially when you make stops during your trip, as I do. Since Flex time started at work, I can’t bear to wake up earlier than 6:35am to leave to 7am. So, I tend to stop at Publix on the way to grab a piece of fruit or an Odwalla. It is a pain in the you know what to have to take my backpack off, find which pocket I put my wallet in, put it back up, put the fruit in my bag, zip the backpack back up, put it on my back again, and go. Messenger bags are the way to go. Which is why I got this little beauty, with my sweet coupons from dealtaker.com.

3. Use your blinker with care. When someone is behind you on a two lane road that eventually merges into a four laner, and you put your blinker on, I guess they assume that you will be merging immediately, even if there is no road quite yet. This guy was apparently mad at me (even though I was going 3 miles over the speed limit) and GOT ALONGSIDE ME IN MY LANE to flip me off. I hope my innocent, shocked face made him feel bad.

4. Dogs are your enemy. As in my home state, many dog owners have their pooches ride in the bed of their trucks or even in the passenger seat. When we had Phyllis, I would sometimes take her for excursions, but she didn’t really like it that much. I guess dogs are different. Anyway, dogs will appear from nowhere to bark at you when you ride a scooter. And it will terrify you and cause your heart to skip a few beats. And you might pee your pants a little. Because it will really scare you.

5. The rain is the worst. I had to scoot home in the rain the other night and it was awful. It hurts, you can’t see jack squat, and it’s colder than sitting in a tub of ice cream. You should avoid the rain at all costs.

6. Germ-X is important. Frances still has that new scooter smell, which means that her handlebars kind of reek of gasoline. This is unfortunate since I happen to tightly grip them for about 25 minutes every morning. Germ-X is the only thing I’ve found so far that adequately makes me stop smelling like a huge bucket of gasoline.

Currently, that is the extent of my knowlegde. It’s pretty fun with Frances and I get lots of compliments on her. I filled up for the first time yesterday and the people around me were asking about gas mileage. I told them that I got about 78 miles to the gallon and I topped off at $4.53 and their faces were priceless. I love it.

Also, in a not related vein, I would like to piggyback on Jared’s post about the election. I had no idea what he was talking about when he referred to people saying that “Jesus was a community organizer, Pontius Pilate was a governor.” So I did some research and it seems that some Dems are saying this in an effort to apparently make me hate them. First of all, please don’t compare Sen. Obama to Jesus Christ. Sen Obama has done a lot of good things, I’m sure, but Jesus is the holy Son of God. He was not a community organizer, but God in human form who died for our sins, and quite frankly, there is no comparison. I am just really so disgusted by this statement. It’s filthy and highly offensive. I have no idea what this woman’s intentions were, other than to piss a lot of people off, at which she succeeded.

I am just over the election. I know that just the other day I was saying how excited I am about it, but I am over it. Maybe the debates will help my apathy. I know that voting is very important, and I would never NOT vote just because the options suck. As for me, I would vote for the first dude that didn’t make constant snide remarks about the other camp. I would vote for the guy who didn’t feel the need to look like a little baby and whine and complain about everything. I would vote for a man who didn’t pander to sides and really wanted to serve the people. So, when is Brad Hickman running for president?

Treat Your Mother Right

This morning, mental_floss reminded me of this gem. I remember when my mom used to duct tape our eyelids open and force us to watch this video for 19 hours straight. Ah, the memories. Just kidding. I think it was more like 17 hours straight. :)

I think my favorite lyric is:
“M” is for the moan and the miserable groan from the pain that she felt when I was born.

Yikes.

Marjorie was good…but…

Shane had the suggestion of Francesca. Frances for short. Frankie when things get sassy. And I love it.

1. It’s an Italian name. And clearly, all scooters must have Italian roots. Or something.

2. It means ‘free’. Which is awesome.

3. My favorite saint is St. Francis.

So. That’s it. The scoot’s name is Francesca. Consider it done.

I drove to work today for the first time and there was no death. Hooray! A guy did sort of jump into my lane before I had successfully merged into the other one, so that scared me a little bit. But, no harm done. Frances and I kept our cool, and all was well.

I Would Like to Introduce…

…the as of yet unnamed scooter.

There she is in her little parking spot.

Trying to pose with her. Didn’t really work out.

I’ve been practicing!

Isn’t she great? I’ve been having lots of fun. Yesterday a kid stepped off the bus and said to me, “I like what you’ve got going on there.”

So I am trying to come up with a name. So far, Marjorie is the front runner. It’s cute and quaint. Any ideas?

The Robert Downey Jr. of Cookies

Cookie Monster visits The Colbert Report to defend his new ideology that “cookie is a sometimes food.” Enjoy. It takes a bit to get into, but well worth it.

Where Are They Now?

This evening, I am introducing Ben to the great wonder that is Three Amigos. This made me curious as to what the cast of The Three Amigos is up to these days. If they are up to anything at all.

Chevy Chase (Dusty Bottoms): Chevy Chase decided it would be an awesome idea to sort of stop being funny a little while after Three Amigos. For instance, in 2001, he worked on a gem called Vacuums. And in 2004, he voiced Cho-Cho in Karate Dog! All great choices. Chevy was actually offered the role of Lester Burnham (American Beauty) but turned it down because he really wanted Kevin Spacey to win the Academy Award. Most recently, Chevy hosted the 2007 Newport Jazz Festival. I can’t make this stuff up, people.

Best line in Three Amigos: Carmen - “We could take a walk, and you could kiss me on the veranda.”
Dusty - “Lips would be fine.”

Steve Martin (Lucky Day): Steve Martin is actually not a total loss. He’s written books and some screenplays. He was also in Father of the Bride, which will go a long way in my great affection for him. Remember The Jerk? I do. As of late, Steve had been filming another diaster of a Pink Panther movie. Interestingly enough, wikipedia says that Steve has been involved romantically with Ann Heche and Helena Bonham Carter, which I find truly amazing. Because, in Helena’s case she chose this…

over this…

To me, that’s a no brainer. But clearly not to Helena.

Best line in Three Amigos: “Oh great! Real bullets! You’re in a lot of trouble, mister!”

Martin Short (Ned Nederlander): Martin’s career has been one of ups and downs, shall we say? Marty runs the gamut from The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause to Barbie in: The Princess and the Pauper to all the wonder that is Jiminy Glick. I found that BOTH Steve Martin and Martin Short voiced characters in The Prince of Egypt. Just the titles of some of Martin’s former work inspires me, so I’ll share them with you:
Cucumber
I’m a Big Girl Now
Miss Peach of the Kelly School
We’re Back! (A Dinosaur Story [in which he played a character called Stubbs the Clown])
101 Dalmatians 2: Patch’s London Adventure

Best line in Three Amigos: “Sew, very old one! Sew like the wind!”

Fred Asparagus (The Bartender): That’s his name. Seriously. Fred appeared in such box office hits as:
Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo
Andrew Dice Clay Live!: The Diceman Cometh
Slappy and the Stinkers
Fred also has not worked since 1999, which makes me think he and Patrice have a little something going on. I then learned that Fred died of a heart attack while playing Zeus (an interesting casting choice) in movie called Just the Ticket with Andy Garcia and Andi MacDowell.

Best line in Three Amigos: Bartender – “We don’t have beer. Just tequila.”
Ned Nederlander – “What’s tequila?”
Bartender – “It’s like beer…”

Alfonso Arau (El Guapo): Alfonso just came back to the biz, after a little hiatus. He’s currently filming a movie called Butterflies and Lightning (A magical-realistic fairytale wrapped around a prophetic one-hundred-year-old patriarch, an eccentric flamenco dancer, a man dying of nostalgia, and two childhood friends cursed to fall in love with the same women for the rest of their lives). Sounds juicy. And get this. He directed A Walk in the Clouds. How’s that for left field?

Best line in Three Amigos: “Would you say that I have a pleathora of pinatas?”

Palin vs. Biden

I imagined today what a very vapid match-up would look like between our two veep candidates. The results are truly fascinating.

Birthplace:
Palin: Alaska! Way cooler than…
Biden: Scranton, PA! Well, actually, since Scranton is also the locale for The Office, maybe not so bad.
WINNER: Palin. Sorry, Scranton. You got cocky.

Parent’s Names:
Palin: Sarah & Charles. Booooresville.
Biden: Catherine Eugenia & Joseph Robinette.
WINNER: Biden. Robinette is a new one.

Random Factiod:
Palin: Won the Miss Wasilia Beauty Pageant by playing the flute for her talent. Was nicknamed Sarah Barracuda by her high school basketball team. Check out THIS picture:

Biden: Commutes 1 1/2 hours one way every day in order to be home with his family.
WINNER: Palin. That’s sweet and all, Joe, but you can’t contend with a good flute player.

Hair:
Palin: She’s got long dark hair. It’s very shiny.
Biden: Yum. You know I love a good white-haired man. BUT IT’S FAKE!
WINNER: Biden, you lied to me with your Hair Club for Men. I’ve no choice to award this round to Palin. You made me do it.

Kid’s Names:
Palin: Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper and Trig.
Biden: Beau, Robert and Ashley.
WINNER: We all know I have great affection for crazy kids names. PALIN!

Best Quotes:
Palin: I really looked, and I didn’t turn much up. On the other hand…
Biden: “The one thing I want my kids to remember about me is that I was an athlete. The hell with the rest of this stuff.”

“I think you’re a damn war criminal, and you should be tried as one.” — Joe Biden said this to Slobodan Milosevic, ex-President of Serbia and Yugoslavia. He said it TO HIS FACE. DANG.

“The decision of whether or not the country should go to war is slightly above your pay grade.” — Biden said THIS to United Nations weapons inspector Scott Ritter. DANG!
WINNER: Clearly Biden. I mean. He’s full of them.

Facebook Groups (pro):
Palin: Sarah Palin is Way Hotter Than Hillary, Sarah Palin is NOT Lisa Loeb, I’m Definitely Voting for Sarah Palin and Old What’s His Name, Sarah Palin Hunts Moose and Is Therefore Awesome.
Biden: Joe Biden Will Roundhouse Kick Sarah Palin in a Debate.

Facebook Groups (anti):
Palin: Sarah Palin: Stop Running for Vice President and Make Me Some Moose Stew, Sarah Palin Go Back to Your Igloo, Sarah Palin Was Invented by Tina Fey, Sarah Palin Looks Like Rita Skeeter.
Biden: BORING.
WINNER: Palin’s groups are much snarkier than Biden’s. PALIN!

Most Vice Presidential Photos:
Palin:

Looking very campaign-y.

Biden:

Looking very casual lawyer grandad.
WINNER: You can’t deny that the man knows how to work a combover. BIDEN.

Least Vice Presidential Photos:
Palin:

Biden:

WINNER: Quite frankly, it’s a tie. Palin looks like a crazy cat lady and Biden could NOT look like more of a j-hole. But, I’m gonna give it to Joe, because he just looks like he’s mocking the American riff raff with that smug mug. It makes me want to punch him.

FINAL WINNER: Palin: 5 pts. Biden: 4 pts. It looks like Gov. Palin wins my match-up of ridiculousness. Congrats, Governor. I’ll send you a certificate in the mail.

CELEBRATION!

There is much rejoicing in my heart today.

Click here.