However, this is path we have chosen.  If you want an acting job, you are going to have to audition at some point.  I’ve seen a lot of these in my day, and I feel like I can give some pretty good advice to the casual to professional actor.  Here are my tips:

1. Arm yourself with information.
Perhaps this is your first audition.  That’s ok.  There is this incredible thing called the internet.  And it can literally teach you anything.  You want to fix the plumbing in your kitchen?  Google that mess.  You want to find the lowest price for plane tickets?  It’s a veritable smorgasbord.  You need to learn how to fold a fitted sheet?  Type that up in some search box and saddle up your ponies.  Honestly, there’s no excuse for being unprepared for an audition.  Mostly because, as the audition assessor, I send you multiple copies of an audition packet that has more information than you could possibly imagine in it.  It basically auditions for you.  So read it.  (And, as a side note, if someone you are trying to get a job with sends you an email that contains an attachment, and you find yourself unable to open it, the thing to do is to email them back with a quick “hey, I couldn’t open that attachment, is there another way I can get this information?”  Not showing up for your interview/audition and giving the excuse of “I couldn’t open that attachment!”  Just a thought.)

2. Use your brain when choosing monologues.
If you are a professionally trained Shakespearean actor that has an incredible mastery over the langauge & iambic pentameter, then by all means, Ophelia your little heart out.  Otherwise, stay away from the big dogs (Chekov, Shakespeare, Aeschylus).  There’s a reason these playwrights are famous: they write incredible plays that professionals do.  Keep it in the stratosphere.

3. Be prepared.
Here’s a tip for those that aren’t theater majors or don’t audition: it’s typically a good idea to have some monologues all up in your repertoire, just in case.  You never know when you need to bust out the skills.  Commit a couple of monologues to memory, then, when an audition is sprung upon you, you have material right there in your mind grapes, no need to stress.  If you are a theater major, then you know better and either shame on you or shame on your professors.

4.  If you aren’t prepared, you better be freaking good.
If you are going to choose to NOT be prepared, you better give it your all when you are reading those monologues off the page.  You better be freaking Sir Ian McKellan.  Although Sir Ian McKellan would never come to an audition unprepared, so, you know, maybe take notes.  You better be acting the crap out of that monologue.  Holding a piece of paper in front of your face while you read in a monotone voice is not acting.  Although I’m sure it passes in some establishments.

5. Topics to stay away from in your monologues:
a. Abortion
b. The first time you had sex and how bad you feel about it.
c. Anything that involves a great deal of yelling.
d. Anything that involves a great deal of whispering.
e. Anything from a movie.  You are auditioning for live theater.  Not film.
f. Anything you wrote yourself, unless you are Wm. Shakespeare or have graduated from an accredited playwriting program.

6. Plant your feet.
That is all.

7.  Volunteer.
Don’t wait for 40 minutes of terrible, awkward silence as NO ONE volunteers to go first.  You’re prepared!  You’ve got style and pizazz.  Get up there.  Strut your stuff.  Peacock, baby!

8. Act.
Seems simple, right?  It’s what you’re here for.  You would be amazed at the surprising number of auditionees that do the opposite, in that they recite words as themselves with a crazy emphasis or two.  Think about your monologue.  What are you trying to convey?  Should you be smiling nervously in a death scene?  No.  Unless it is incredibly ironic.

9.  Be easy.
Not that way.  What I’m saying is: assessors are tired.  They spend all day traveling to the audition site, eating crap food, watching terrible auditions from people who, for all intents and purposes, obviously do not give a crap.  Know what you’re doing.  Bring the needed material to the audition.  Be able to stay as long as needed.  Be flexible.  It’s not rocket science, to be sure.

10.Be polite.
Also sort of a given, right?  Not usually.  Look people in the eyes.  Make conversation with other auditionees.  Introduce yourself with a handshake and smile.  Be professional.  Be courteous.  This isn’t the Stone Age, and it’s also not a manners party.  But that doesn’t mean you can’t lay down your awkwardness for 20 minutes and act like a professional.  You’re an actor.

11.  And last but not least, be good.
No amount of being nice or being prepared will save a flat dab bad audition.  This is just the truth: some people are cut out to be high level college math professors, some people are cut out to be actors.  Some people can be both and I resent them for it.

So these are my tips.  I’ll go ahead and put it out there that when I auditioned, I typically broke the majority of these, causing wonder and disbelief that I ever got an acting job.  So, there’s that.  But, as an assessor I’m much more inclined to hire someone who is pretty good (and was prepared, polite, etc.) than someone who obviously has a lot of raw talent and acted like they could have cared less.

What a fun idea.

I think this exercise says a lot about where we grew up and how we grew up.  So I’m gonna share my songs.  And you share yours.  At least a couple.  Either in a blog post, or in the comments, but I think this will be fun.

Here are a few of mine:

1. I listened to a GREAT DEAL of Caedmon’s Call in high school.  I would’ve drank their bath water.  So they’re on here a few times actually.  In fact, the whole 40 Acres album probably deserves to be on this list, but it’s not a list of albums, it’s a list of songs.  The title song to 40 Acres is the perfect song to play on the last stretch of road to my grandparent’s ranch.  And also, Back Where I Began off that same album reminds me of sitting outside FBC Canyon during the summer, waiting for our parents to pick us up after Wednesday night Priority.  Good times.

2. George Strait’s The Fireman was my little brother’s favorite song, bar none.  He would sing it all the time and knew every word.  My mother even misplaced him in Michael’s one day and tracked him down by following the sound of him singing The Fireman.  Ironically, the Fireman is not about an actual firefighter, but a guy who runs around town making out with hot women.

3. TLC’s Waterfalls.  I distinctly remember this being the last dance at the 8th grade Valentine’s Dance.  I had a boyfriend at this dance, and his little brother was born that night.  In case you were wondering, sadly, this is what I looked like in the 8th grade:

I know.  Could I be more lovely?  Truly, no.

Ok.  I’ve shared some of my home songs.  Your turn.  Don’t let me down.

I’m Christmas shopping for my sister-in-law, who loves Twilight.  I thought I might get her a fun little happy to go along with her present.  And I wanted to share with you some of the most ridiculous etsy finds based on Twilight.  You’re really gonna love it.  I promise.

Sweet mother of pearl, is this not the most absurd phrase to have over one’s bed?

Ah.  Jacob-scented lotion.  In case you aren’t up on your Twilight, Jacob is the 17 year old boy that turns into a werewolf when he gets mad.  Just what I want to smell like.  A pubescent, angry dog.

Friends, let me remind you of something.  Vamps do not want peace and love.  They want your blood and my blood, and they want to drink it up.

The actor that plays Jacob is…wait for it…17.  So, no, 47 year old mom, it’s not creepy at all that you own this ginormo photo collage of him.  TOTALLY NORMAL.

This Etsy artist will “Cullen-ize” you, meaning she will take your photo and make you look like a vampire.  For people who just can’t stand the reality of not being an actual vampire.

Aaaand, for those of you who must force your weird obsessions onto your children (YOUR INFANT CHILDREN), a onesie.

I, for one, can never have enough Dreamcatcher messenger bags.

Let’s see…do I go with the obsessive stalker who desperately wants to drain the blood from my body…OR…the egomaniacal, self-centered Victorian uptight?

If you have to ask…

My internet friend, Caroline, likes to play a game where she google image searches “Twilight Tattoos,” which is equally entertaining.  Some gems…

Internet: I salute you for the amount of crazy you hold.

For some reason, this piece from the A.V. Club popped up in my Reader this week.  From Justin to Kelly is one of my favorite movies and I LOVED reading their disgusted review of it (there is a language disclaimer).  Because it is disgusting.  But also delicious.  My favorite line is,

“See, the young people of today, they’re too busy to spell out long, complicated words like “burger.” Who has the time? They’re too busy Googling up The Twitter on their iPhones to spell out words in their entirety.”

The piece includes some clips, but most certainly left out my favorite, where Justin & Kelly break into song while driving a boat while wearing matching white track suits.  Sadly, I cannot find it anywhere.  You would have really liked it.  I’ll buy you a Starbucks treat if you can find it.  Scouts honor.

I believe I first heard about Stephen Wiltshire on NPR, but listening this story on the radio and seeing it in person are two totally different things.  He’s drawing the Manhattan Skyline from MEMORY.

Ruth & David totally need these shirts for their girls.

From the world of tumblr.com: some very interesting tumblr blogs:
This dad draws on his kid’s lunch bags everyday: Lunch Bag Art
For the Men: Put This On
Weird Black and White Photos: Black & WTF
For the Zombie Lover’s: Zombify

Although I am not a photographer, (I’ll leave that to this guy, this guy, and this guy.  And this girl.) I like Annie Leibovitz’s pictures a lot.  Here is a series she did for Disney Parks.  Really, really cool.

I basically need this everyday of my life.  Now if only they could come up with a website to find my car keys.

And finally, Elizabeth Gilbert (author of Eat, Pray, Love) gives a TED talk and it’s very good.  She’s unassuming and charming and funny, and says a lot of great things about writing and creativity.  It’s interesting what she says about where creativity comes from

My friend and fellow Canyon-ite, Michael Kelley, has a guest post on Stuff Christians Like.  It’s a very funny post, and gut-wrenchingly close to home, unfortunately for me.  Here’s an interesting tidbit: my parents bought my first car from Michael’s parents after he and his brothers moved onto greener pastures (car-wise).  Here is a picture:

Publisher’s Weekly just posted their list of the Best Books of 2009.  There’s a lot to sift through here, but would make a good starting point for anyone that needed book suggestions.

Lifehacker has a cool post for my photography friends today.  They show you how to build a low budget studio in your closet.

Is this not the most beautiful blog?  I just want to look at everything.  Sigh.  This blog makes me think of Brandi.

RUSH is a mockumentary done by members of FLMJ 300 at Samford University here in Birmingham.  Below is the trailer, but you can see the whole (very funny thing) on youtube in four parts (1, 2, 3, 4).  It made me giggle and features some SL alum, which is fun to see.  I love watching things by people who enjoy what they do, and I feel like RUSH is a really fun example of that.

If only I had had the foresight to make a 3-armed baby Halloween costume.

This is Iris.  She’s our new Compassion child.  I’m really excited about getting to know her better.  Compassion International is a great organization that is releasing children from poverty in Christ’s name.  I would LOVE to tell you more about Compassion and how you can sponsor a child or even give to some of their general funds during the holidays.  But anyway, Iris is awesome, huh?

I’m really trying to buy handmade this Christmas (or make my own gifts), so I’ve been doing a lot of shopping on Etsy.  Here’s just a couple of things I’ve had my little eye on.

The Book of Lists by jedgell.  Don’t you just want to make a bunch of awesome lists in this pretty little book?

Ball and Chain – Aquamarine Faceted Round with Oxidized Sterling Silver by mycellardoor.  My beautiful birthstone ring that I got for my 14th birthday is was put away for safekeeping one day so well that it’s still lost in my room at my parents house.  I know it’s there somewhere, but this aquamarine necklace could tide me over until I find it.

Organic Black Pepper Mustard by MistcalAcScents.  After a long hiatus from mustard, I am really starting to dig on it (although I still think yellow mustard is DISGUSTING).  Doesn’t this sound so tasty?

And finally, I saw ‘This Is It’ last night and it was…so good.  I’d be lying if I said I didn’t tear up a little when the bass line for Billie Jean kicked in.  So awesome.  Here’s a couple of MJ videos I could watch OVER and OVER again.

The 1988 Grammys.  Please.  PLEASE!

Billie Jean Live in New York.  He says, “Do you want me to put this glove on?  Oh.  I think you do.”

Smooth Criminal.  Please.  I love a good huge shadow.

Ok.  The Weekend Links are done for now.  But rest assured, I’ll have some awesome ones next week.

Wake Up – Arcade Fire
Letter to Bowie Knife – Calexico
La Cienega Just Smiled – Ryan Adams
Mercy Street – Peter Gabriel
Holiday in Spain – Counting Crows
Harvest Moon – Neil Young
You Don’t Mess Around with Jim – Jim Croce
Red Right Ankle – The Decemberists
Mona Lisa and Mad Hatters – Elton John
Human Hands – Bowerbirds
I and Love and You – The Avett Brothers
3×5 – John Mayer
Dance Me to the End of Love – The Civil Wars
Hurt – Johnny Cash
Sweet Lorraine – Patty Griffin
Please Do Not Let Me Go – Ryan Adams
Taper Jean Girl – Kings of Leon

Pretty good, my friends.  Pretty darn good.

My friend Andy has really been hitting it out of the park with his posts lately.  Check out this cartoon he drew after he had a very interesting conversation with his young daughter.

Did you know that some countries have theme hospitals?  What I know Ruth wouldn’t give to have the twins in a Hello Kitty Maternity Ward.

Sophie Blackall is a New York artist that takes the Missed Connections ads from craigslist and renders them into really beautiful works of art.  She also sells them on her etsy store.

I loved this post from mental floss on the Top Ten Best Secret Menu items.  I want to order them now!

Ok.  Yes.  I am a mental floss junkie.  But this is another cool post.  Artists that take well-known cartoon characters and make them more realistic.  So cool.

Yeah.  That’s right.  CANDIED.  SALTED.  BACON. YOU ARE MOST WELCOME.

It’s cellular mitosis with doughnuts!

I have not tried to make this yet, but my friend Tris’ sister-in-law posted this sweet recipe for making Pumpkin Spice Latte’s at home.  Because I am singlehandedly funding Jill Casey’s benefits at Starbucks.  I love it so so much.

Not only is this video completely and totally fun, for every 10,000 people who view it, the Dude Perfect guys will sponsor one Compassion child.

Cracked.com makes me laugh so hard.  It reminds me of Shane for some reason.  They are like an irreverent mental floss.  This article about 7 Secrets Only Two Living People Know is so interesting, and it’s funny.  Warning: people cuss.

That’s enough for today.  My hope is that one day I’ll be able to post pictures on this blog (ugh) and I can resume normal postings.  Until then…

Anyway, my Pops is pretty awesome. I think I talk about my parents a lot. I seem to catch myself doing it often, and I’m sorry if that annoys people. I just really like them. It wasn’t always so rosy between us (high school), but if Ben and I can manage to be half the parents my parents were/are, Holland might not turn out so bad.

Either way, here is a sweet top 5 list regarding awesome things about my dad. And since I didn’t have this idea during Mother’s Day, one for the mom as well.

5 Rad Things About Andy Hicks

1. Dad’s full name is Adolphus Andrew Hicks the 4th. The first AAH was one of the first medical doctors to practice in what was then called Indian Territory (Oklahoma, or home state of Travis Hawkins, today).

2. Little Andy (as he is known to everyone that knows my grandfather, Big Andy) is a workout machine. He will kill you. I know, because he has killed me before. The man does 10 sit-ups every morning for as many years as he has been alive, PLUS a pretty intensive workout after that. That’s a whopping 510 sit-ups EVERY MORNING. To be frank, I’m not sure I’ve done 510 over the course of my entire life. He’s also a super awesome tennis player, frequently beating young, snooty Panhandle doctors and shaming them mercilessly. It’s pretty awesome.

3. Dad owned a pretty amazing full suit of armor when he was in college (and I think he still owned it when he and Moms got the married). He and his roommates named the suit Weird Harold, and would use him as a coat rack, and in December, a Christmas tree.

4. The Pops and his shady frat buddies thought it would be an awesome way to meet hot freshmen chicks if they waited to take their freshman Biology class until they were juniors. The story goes that Dad and SFB’s were sitting in the back & this “foxy freshman (Dad’s words, not mine) walked in. Dad said, “I’ll take that girl out on a date before the semester’s up.” SFB’s ribbed him and said there was no chance. And Foxy Freshman ended up being the Gwenster, and he did take her on a date, and the word is they got the married.

5. My last awesome tidbit about my Dad is how he proposed to my mom. Get ready: He put her ring IN HER SONIC DRINK. It’s so wondeful, it’s so perfect. Dad is also obsessed with buying food in bulk at Sam’s and every month when he stocks up, he picks her out some beautiful bulk flowers. If that’s not adorable, I don’t want to know what adorable is.

And that’s just scratching the surface. Really.

POST MOTHER’S DAY BONUS FEATURE!
And in honor of the Moms, a bonus tidbit:

My grandmother made my mother’s jeans for her until she was in college. My mom wore homemade jeans.

HOMEMADE JEANS!

So there you have it. The Gwandy is pretty awesome, even more awesome than this dumb list of 5 (and bonus feature) could possibly contain. Happy Father’s Day to all you dads, but especially to mine.