Eye-Roll Inducing Twilight Products on Etsy
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December
So…
I’m Christmas shopping for my sister-in-law, who loves Twilight. I thought I might get her a fun little happy to go along with her present. And I wanted to share with you some of the most ridiculous etsy finds based on Twilight. You’re really gonna love it. I promise.
Sweet mother of pearl, is this not the most absurd phrase to have over one’s bed?
Ah. Jacob-scented lotion. In case you aren’t up on your Twilight, Jacob is the 17 year old boy that turns into a werewolf when he gets mad. Just what I want to smell like. A pubescent, angry dog.
Friends, let me remind you of something. Vamps do not want peace and love. They want your blood and my blood, and they want to drink it up.
The actor that plays Jacob is…wait for it…17. So, no, 47 year old mom, it’s not creepy at all that you own this ginormo photo collage of him. TOTALLY NORMAL.
This Etsy artist will “Cullen-ize” you, meaning she will take your photo and make you look like a vampire. For people who just can’t stand the reality of not being an actual vampire.
Aaaand, for those of you who must force your weird obsessions onto your children (YOUR INFANT CHILDREN), a onesie.
I, for one, can never have enough Dreamcatcher messenger bags.
Let’s see…do I go with the obsessive stalker who desperately wants to drain the blood from my body…OR…the egomaniacal, self-centered Victorian uptight?
If you have to ask…
My internet friend, Caroline, likes to play a game where she google image searches “Twilight Tattoos,” which is equally entertaining. Some gems…
Internet: I salute you for the amount of crazy you hold.
I can’t tell if this is hilarious or depressing. I’ll go with awesome.
when i got my tattoo, my thought process was something like this:
“hey, self, what is the most important possible thing to you? oh wait, i know. it’s the lord of the universe.”
so i can just imagine similar soul-searching inner monologues of these twi-hards. “self, what is the most important possible thing to you? oh wait, i know. it’s a fictitious pansy vampire in a poorly written melodramatic teen series who sparkles in the sunlight. yeah, that’s definitely it.”
twilight tattoos = investments in regret.
I can’t wait until these tattoo’d kids (PLEASE tell me they aren’t over 22) grow up and read books for big boys and girls, like The Poisonwood Bible or My Losing Season. Their choice of tat will never be so regrettable.
(Disclosure: I have to say that I have read the Twilight series, though. However, I recognize them for what they are (at least for me): quick and fluff-ily entertaining reads to tide me over while I waited for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows to come out.)
This is truly disturbing.
True these are terrible and sad, but can we please leave Mr. Darcy out of it. Remember he is from a book that has retained its dignity for a few generations now.