Palin vs. Biden
2
September
I imagined today what a very vapid match-up would look like between our two veep candidates. The results are truly fascinating.
Birthplace:
Palin: Alaska! Way cooler than…
Biden: Scranton, PA! Well, actually, since Scranton is also the locale for The Office, maybe not so bad.
WINNER: Palin. Sorry, Scranton. You got cocky.
Parent’s Names:
Palin: Sarah & Charles. Booooresville.
Biden: Catherine Eugenia & Joseph Robinette.
WINNER: Biden. Robinette is a new one.
Random Factiod:
Palin: Won the Miss Wasilia Beauty Pageant by playing the flute for her talent. Was nicknamed Sarah Barracuda by her high school basketball team. Check out THIS picture:
Biden: Commutes 1 1/2 hours one way every day in order to be home with his family.
WINNER: Palin. That’s sweet and all, Joe, but you can’t contend with a good flute player.
Hair:
Palin: She’s got long dark hair. It’s very shiny.
Biden: Yum. You know I love a good white-haired man. BUT IT’S FAKE!
WINNER: Biden, you lied to me with your Hair Club for Men. I’ve no choice to award this round to Palin. You made me do it.
Kid’s Names:
Palin: Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper and Trig.
Biden: Beau, Robert and Ashley.
WINNER: We all know I have great affection for crazy kids names. PALIN!
Best Quotes:
Palin: I really looked, and I didn’t turn much up. On the other hand…
Biden: “The one thing I want my kids to remember about me is that I was an athlete. The hell with the rest of this stuff.”
“I think you’re a damn war criminal, and you should be tried as one.” — Joe Biden said this to Slobodan Milosevic, ex-President of Serbia and Yugoslavia. He said it TO HIS FACE. DANG.
“The decision of whether or not the country should go to war is slightly above your pay grade.” — Biden said THIS to United Nations weapons inspector Scott Ritter. DANG!
WINNER: Clearly Biden. I mean. He’s full of them.
Facebook Groups (pro):
Palin: Sarah Palin is Way Hotter Than Hillary, Sarah Palin is NOT Lisa Loeb, I’m Definitely Voting for Sarah Palin and Old What’s His Name, Sarah Palin Hunts Moose and Is Therefore Awesome.
Biden: Joe Biden Will Roundhouse Kick Sarah Palin in a Debate.
Facebook Groups (anti):
Palin: Sarah Palin: Stop Running for Vice President and Make Me Some Moose Stew, Sarah Palin Go Back to Your Igloo, Sarah Palin Was Invented by Tina Fey, Sarah Palin Looks Like Rita Skeeter.
Biden: BORING.
WINNER: Palin’s groups are much snarkier than Biden’s. PALIN!
Most Vice Presidential Photos:
Palin:
Looking very campaign-y.
Biden:
Looking very casual lawyer grandad.
WINNER: You can’t deny that the man knows how to work a combover. BIDEN.
Least Vice Presidential Photos:
Palin:
Biden:
WINNER: Quite frankly, it’s a tie. Palin looks like a crazy cat lady and Biden could NOT look like more of a j-hole. But, I’m gonna give it to Joe, because he just looks like he’s mocking the American riff raff with that smug mug. It makes me want to punch him.
FINAL WINNER: Palin: 5 pts. Biden: 4 pts. It looks like Gov. Palin wins my match-up of ridiculousness. Congrats, Governor. I’ll send you a certificate in the mail.
One wonders how much time you spent on this. I mean…
And on a completely unrelated topic:
teuilrga (my “word” verification to leave this comment) is NOT a word.
wow wow, erin. amazing investigatory work, and all of your conclusions are completely undeniable. good show
I know I told you how funny I think this post is. I’m saying it again. Hilarious.
The Facebook groups alone crack me up.
This might be my favorite political investigatory journalism of 2008. Thanks for providing information on candidates without making me want to rip my eyes out and throw them at someone.